Looking back...

Today I am a bit melancholy. The reason I think is because last night while getting in on a free 8x10 deal from Walgreens I had to chose a picture from my 14,000 I have on my computer to have blown up into an 8x10. As I looked through all of my pictures I came upon this one that I have loved from the day that I took it way back when.

This picture was taken when we had just built and moved into our new home. We hadn't put the yard in yet but were working on clearing the dirt of all the huge rocks/boulders so that we could install the new grass. Cole was only about 2 in this picture and Camille was 6, such a sweet age. They had been out early one morning "helping" Dad.

Something about this picture last night set me into tears that I didn't even know where they came from when it happened. True, it was about 1am and I was probably tired but the emotions that came up were overwhelming.

How could so much time have passed? Where did it go? Look at his sweet face, his ruffled little boy hair, the rubber boots. My baby is 6 now and my gorgeous girl will be in middle school next year.

Great, now I'm getting weepy again! I had this feeling last night like maybe I had somehow let them down as a mom. Was I good enough for them? Could I have done more in those years when they were so little? I should have been taking them to parks more, letting them play outside in the rain and not cared how wet or muddy they had gotten. Did I show them enough love and attention?

Because of my panic disorder I have had to be on multiple medications and many of them were not right for me at the time. I feel a bit robbed of time spent with them and being the best mom I could have been. It really hit last night because it seemed that when I looked at his face, I almost couldn't remember that time but I know I was there. I just wasn't mentally there as much as I wish I could have been.

I am now on a great medication and even though I still have bad days and mild attacks, I am better able to handle them. I am living more in the moment and able to appreciate what gifts these two small people are.

Has anyone else ever sat back and looked at their lives like this? Really wondered if you were just going through the motions and then regretting that you didn't slow down and appreciate them when they were happening? I have and I am sad.

I know I am a good mom and that my kids love me. I really do my best but I think that sometimes you just have to kick it up a bit and REALLY see what is going on and realize that maybe it's not all you can do. There is more of me to give to these kids and I am going to appreciate every moment with them because I am never going to have these moments again.

I only wish I would have had this revelation a few years ago...